I have reached a pretty special point in my story, special because when I started writing this blog I wrote it thinking I was better (not perfect, but certainly much better than i had been) and this blog I'm writing now is written about how I was when began writing Transient Serenity. I'm so much much better now than I was back then
I can hardly believe its been that long.
So much has changed.
I have grown and learned to accept my anxiety for what it is. Maybe not 100% but to a point where i am happy with whats been going on and how i am dealing with it.
When I started writing this blog I had two main goals
1) To document what was happening so i could reflect back on how i am doing today
2) Help someone else going through the same thing see that they are not alone and there is a way through
The idea of the blog came to me when i was halfway across the Indian ocean, doing a very long swing back at sea (my first real one since I acknowledged the anxiety as a problem) I penned a letter to my close friends and family explaining what had happened to me and how I was dealing with it. Where I had been and what I had done. Thanking them for their support. The reaction to the letter proved to be the catalyst for transient serenity.
That trip was for me one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Hard because i really felt like i was better but I was scared that I would find out that I wasn't.
I think one of the most powerful tools i have learned is reflection. By writing this blog 18 months post datum I have been able to objectively look at what I was doing well, and what I was doing wrong or could be done better.
I still reflect on it today. Am re-reading parts of it now and thinking about how it felt at the time, and how I feel now looking back
Since I started writing this blog I have been to see a Councillor and a psychologist. I found both helpful, but the psychologist really came into her own in terms of developing myself to be that person I needed to be to not suffer anxiety on a large scale day to day. She challenged me to challenge things that were happening to me. To not accept a failure or an inability to complete a task as a negative thing but as a step to recovery.
Allowing myself that freedom to recover, accepting that I'm not OK and that I wont ever get back to being the person I was before this all started is a very powerful tool for healing myself. It gave me the ability to look at things I was doing and bit by bit start to build up confidence in myself and allow me to cherish the times that were good, and even the times that were bad. Because I could then look at the bad times as something to achieve. " OK I didn't do well with this, I'm going to keep at it until I do" everything in small steps.
Accepting that I wont ever be the person I was before this all started, then realizing that the person I had wanted so badly to get back to wasn't a healthy person. I may want to keep some of the traits from him, but a lot of the things he was doing were detrimental, both short and long term.
I didn't end up in this situation without good reason.
Below I have attached an edited copy of the letter I penned to my good friends and family about what had happened to me. This is where my recovery really started :
My life hit a major hurdle nearly a year ago and a lot has changed since I last threw some words around.. Iv been to 4 continents, spent months on holiday, purchased a Beautiful automobile, wakeboarded at dream lake, got a new tattoo, taken a photo outside Hank Moody's apartment, driven a brand new Camaro, scared myself shit less in bear infested hills, laughed like I was a kid, Driven a big ass Jacked up Chevy truck. Allegedly been up the empire state building in an earthquake. Got off a train in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night with a guy we didn't know on a whim of adventure, lied about being on my honeymoon to get a free bottle of champagne. Iv flown over Antarctic pack ice, Watched the Blue man group live at their home theater gambled in Vegas, Missed 2 flights, slept in an airport, gone par for 6 holes in a round of golf, reconnected with some really good mates, taken chances, lost weight, put on weight, given up drinking, taken it back again, then given it up again. Been to a ball game, been on a train across America, heckled a stand up comedian, been fucked out of my mind on beer more than a few times, Caught my first trout on a fly line with my dad and lastly smiled like I meant it. I have Cried myself to sleep at night, been too scared to get out of bed in the morning , wondered how im going to live through the day, week, month. walked off a golf course in disgust, embarrassed myself, felt foolish, hurt other people, hurt myself, lied to myself, lied to other people, thought I would never be able to go back to work again, hell there was a time that I didn't think I would be able to do any job, let alone continue the one im doing now. Its been an eventful, emotional year... that's putting it lightly.
To those of you who don’t know I was diagnosed with anxiety at the start of this year. A-n-x-i-e-t-y; sounds pretty harmless. It rolls off the tongue. Sadly for me it didn't, it kept me from myself and from other people. I never thought I would wake up one day and not feel like myself in my own body, but sometimes things happen for a reason, sometimes you need a wake up call to figure out what is important in life... Before I got sick I was living a great life, so I thought , 6 months holiday a year. But I wasn't being honest with myself, I was living for nothing, had nothing. No, that’s not true, I had something but I didn't know what to do with it. Now, 9 months later I'm doing what I thought I would never be able to do again, I'm sitting back on a ship, have crossed the Indian ocean, flown the equivalent of the whole way round the world! I'm cautious about how I'm doing because I still have a long way to go before I get off the ship, I have my good days and I have my bad days, but I feel for the first time in a long time that I have started to find the old me again, the one who enjoyed life, not shied away from it because he was scared or worried. Got back in touch with friends I had lost a long time ago, only to find that they never left, it was me who disappeared.
To all of you whom are reading this I just want to take the time to say thank you, somehow or another inadvertently or otherwise you have helped me through the toughest time in my life and I am eternally grateful for your support and friendship. May the summer bring you all the happiness you all deserve.
To those of you who don’t know I was diagnosed with anxiety at the start of this year. A-n-x-i-e-t-y; sounds pretty harmless. It rolls off the tongue. Sadly for me it didn't, it kept me from myself and from other people. I never thought I would wake up one day and not feel like myself in my own body, but sometimes things happen for a reason, sometimes you need a wake up call to figure out what is important in life... Before I got sick I was living a great life, so I thought , 6 months holiday a year. But I wasn't being honest with myself, I was living for nothing, had nothing. No, that’s not true, I had something but I didn't know what to do with it. Now, 9 months later I'm doing what I thought I would never be able to do again, I'm sitting back on a ship, have crossed the Indian ocean, flown the equivalent of the whole way round the world! I'm cautious about how I'm doing because I still have a long way to go before I get off the ship, I have my good days and I have my bad days, but I feel for the first time in a long time that I have started to find the old me again, the one who enjoyed life, not shied away from it because he was scared or worried. Got back in touch with friends I had lost a long time ago, only to find that they never left, it was me who disappeared.
To all of you whom are reading this I just want to take the time to say thank you, somehow or another inadvertently or otherwise you have helped me through the toughest time in my life and I am eternally grateful for your support and friendship. May the summer bring you all the happiness you all deserve.
No comments:
Post a Comment